you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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