just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
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Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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