I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
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Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
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I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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