everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
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got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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