Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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