if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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