she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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