Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize