normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
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If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize