it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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