I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
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I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
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Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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