So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
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Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
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HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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