my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize