I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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