every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
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The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
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A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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