Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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