the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
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I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
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I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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