I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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