I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize