So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Even my vagina gasped.
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You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
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I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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