I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
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It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
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I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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