There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
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They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
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I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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