Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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