she's into porn, im staying here tonight
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
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I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
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I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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