i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
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A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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