The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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