You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize