my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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