i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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