Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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