dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
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I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
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You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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