My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
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Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
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watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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