My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
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Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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