I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
two words...techno handjob
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I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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