I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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