I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize