Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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