Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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