when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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