and you said cock pushups were impossible
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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