my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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