Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
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Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
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I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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