Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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