Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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