My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
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Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
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It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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