I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
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I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
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we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize