Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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