The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
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sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
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Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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