He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
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She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
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I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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