May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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